Being real versus being nice.
Ryan and I in front of the NASA logo at the Kennedy Space Center. Space is humbling.
A theme I’m exploring this week is being real versus being nice. Speaking my truth with clarity and ease instead of living with fear. Choosing to see opportunities for learning, growth, and connection.
Culturally as a woman I believe girls are raised to be nice. Not to make waves. To do as they’re told and to think of others before themselves. As a nurturer I have a natural tendency to put others' needs in front of my own, or to use it as a distraction to avoid difficult questions or conversations with myself.
I’m reading the Yamas and Niyamas by Deborah Adele with White Top Yoga Studio again this year. Each month we read a chapter of the book and work with different journal prompts each week. Satya focuses on truthfulness. In addition, I’m thinking about being present. I have a tendency to spend a lot of time in my head. Breathing, yoga, journaling, and walks outside in nature with my dogs are all ways I get out of my headspace and move into my body to connect with the world around me.
During yoga this morning my teacher said, “You can change your mindset. It’s not real. Or, you can accept it is, what it is.”
It reminds me of another saying or mantra, You are not your thoughts. That was helpful for me for a while when I was struggling with darkness. My tendency to have a scarcity mindset. To choose fear and closing myself off over love and a more expansive view of life, the universe, and myself. It wasn’t until I slowed down enough to realize I have more than enough that I began to believe it to be true. You are not your thoughts.
My ego is always working to keep me safe. With a tendency to exaggerate risks, and exaggerate everything to be in control. If I’m being honest and real with myself, the only thing I can control is how I show up in the world. That’s it. I want to act, instead of react. I want to be peaceful and live in peace within myself and put it out into the world.
Life is short.
Do what you love, and have fun while you’re at it.
This week Ryan and I went to Orlando during his spring break and to celebrate 20 years together. Ryan pointed out it’s 20 years since he moved away to Seattle from Philadelphia where we met again at a tiki bar after we both finished art school. 20 years is a good amount of time to reflect on. The world has changed so much and I have as well. At the time I don’t think I’d ever have believed one day I’d save up money, quit my job, and travel the world for a year with Ryan. Or, that we’d decide to move to Vermont and buy a house with 10 acres and get some dogs, goats, and chickens.
While I was always interested in gardening and growing flowers in front of the house I grew up in, I know now the dirt was too poor to support a thriving ecosystem. It was dry. It didn’t have enough organic matter to retain moisture, support a network of systems that are intertwined to produce beautiful, thriving plants. Today I have the understanding I didn’t have then.
Birds of Paradise at Harry Leu Gardens, near Orlando Florida.
In Orlando we visited the Harry Leu Gardens with Ryan’s Aunt and Uncle. It was a plant sale weekend with lots of vendors, artists, food trucks and children and families mingling amongst sunshine and plants. Walking through the gardens reminded me of how I want to turn my place into a permaculture food forest with a large vegetable garden, composting system supported by the inputs from chickens, goats, and our compost scraps generated from cooking mostly plant based foods.
Ryan’s Uncle kindly pointed out Leu Gardens has a staff of lots of people who maintain the property. Being real versus being nice. Perhaps I start small and see how it grows over time, never losing the vision and overall goal.
